The Bird and The Bee
by Mewtheclone
Summary: Dave/Sollux Collegestuck Dave wants to seduce Terezi, Sollux wants to get out of the friendzone with feferi. Too bad that will never happen! Stuck in a dorm with each other might just solve their problems if they dont kill each other first. MM&FF pairings. M for later chapters and college hijinks. summary sucks I promise!
1. Chapter 1

The Bird and the Bee

_**Characters: Dave, Sollux**_

_**Cameos: dunno...homestuck peoples I guess**_

_**Rating: M for much later chapters because of drinking, smex, all that fun college nonsense**_

_**Warnings: cussing and general homestuck-ness**_

_**Genre: Romance/ Humor**_

After the scratch was weird. Well, weird because everything went back to sickening normal. Almost _**ironic. **_There was even the sloppy makeouts Karkat promised. Pretty magical. The only thing different about the world that the kids didn't expect from their pre-game lives, is that trolls were now just another race of people. No one thought anything of it, and now, even the other trolls just accepted it.

Now it was college time, and in some random twist of fate, they were all accepted to the same college, and they all accepted. Hey what's college without friends, right?

Everyone was even paired together in the dorms, it might have been due to the fact that Rose played mind games on the administrators, but you didn't see anyone complaining. Except Karkat, but lets just ignore that.

It went as follows:

Karkat and John

Gamzee and Tavros

Kanaya and Rose

Equius and Eridan

Feferi and Jade

Vriska and Terezi

Aradia and Nepeta

and Drumroll please...

Dave and Sollux.

**[S] WATCH OUR HEROES REACT**

Now everyone that the dorm advisory (coughRosecough) paired up were either literally paired up, or they were the four greatest RP girls you would ever meet...oh yeah and Dave and Sollux.

"FUCK. IM WITH THE FUCKING DORK. GOG COULD NOT BE CRUELER!" Karkat yelled to really no one.

"Yay! Con Air marathons! Then we could cuddle afterward Karkitty!"

"JOHN! SHUT UP!" Karkat blushed red and finally stopped yelling as he covered John's mouth, "I told you not to call me that in public fuckass"

John smiled as he wiggled free and hugged the crabby troll who seemed a good inch shorter than him, "well you can call me whatever you want in public Karkat. that is why we are Matesprits for life"

He grumbled and said no more, even as Vriska and Terezi made several whip and cat noises. He only responded with a middle finger in there direction behind John's back as they walked off to their dorm room.

Gamzee chuckled at his morial and hugged Tavros from behind the waist, "Miracles, that is all I can say. I get my best bro all to myself."

Tavros blushes deeply and looked down at his metal feet wondering what to say, "Uh...Yeah! It will be miracles!" he then nuzzled Gamzee softly being careful of his horns. And when he looked back at the sheet he saw Gamzee drawing a heart around both their names "Gamzee! Don't...uh...write on the paper!"

Gamzee chuckled and pulled him into a sweet kiss, "Nah bro. The whole campus is gonna look at that paper and see that your my one and only matesprit. My little miracle. Everyone's gotta know so they know your adorable self belongs to Gamzee in dorm...uh...143"

Tavros blushed more and buried his face in his chest as Gamzee stroked his softly fluffy mohawk chuckling.

"Well This Is A Pleasant Surprise Rose" Kanaya commented looking at the list carefully for the fourth time to make sure she had everything down.

"Of course Kanaya. If I was going to make sure we had the same dorm I had to do the same for our friends"

"Rose? You Did This? But Isn't This A Form Of Delinquency?"

"Hush." Rose shooshed and stroked kanaya's face" It doesn't not matter now, lets just unpack your many lovely dresses"

"Well...Alright Rose" Kanaya said with smile until Eridan pushed past her to the paper

"Outta the wway!" Eridan huffed

Equius came up close behind, sweating and looked to kanaya "I am terribly sorry, he just gets very pushy when he is anxious. Please Forgive him, if not for his sake, mine"

Kanaya sighed and nodded at the blue blooded troll, who obviously was still getting used to taking care of the fussy sea dweller. "I Understand Dear. I Have Had Experience With Children Much Worse Than Him"

"Ha! If that ith even pothible!" Sollux lisped as he walked through the space inbetween them

"AHHH! EQ! ITS COMIN NEAR ME! DEFEND YOUR MATESPRIT!"

"calm the fuck down ath" the mustard blood retorted

"NO! Your goin to hurt me! Wwith your wweird powwers to make me bloww up! then eq wwont havve a corpse to morn ovver!"

Sollux groaned and facepalmed. This was NOT helping his headache.

Equius soon saved Sollux by picking Eridan up bridal style and carried him to the slip of paper and sighed in relief when his name was paired with Eridan's. He heard Rose had arranged it and was very grateful, as no other troll or human could endure Eridan for more than a few days besides Equius. Eridan was needy and needed to be constantly reminded he was loved due to his several years of plain out abandonment, and Equius was willing to please but was very surprised at the other side of Eridan that no one ever saw but him. But that is a story for another time and place, all that you need to know now is that Eridan softly purred as Equius smiled softly and carried him off.

"Meow!" Nepeta purred as she came out of no where "I told you Aradia! Equius is definitely the the dominant one"

"w0w. well I guess that is the best five d0llars I ever l0st." Aradia replied look over the sheet more than at the betting material

"4LL 1 T4ST3 1S SW34T 4ND F1SH ST1CKS." Terezi complained

"Well o8viouslyyyyyyyy it was that sad excuse for a fish and sweat tastic redding up the place with their 'lets be all redrom all over the place till every sad sack has found true love!'. Gag me 8efore they come backkkkkkkk"

"W1TH MY C4N3? TH4T C4N B3 4RR4NG3D" Terezi then tried to shove her cane down vriska's throat but she kept slapping it away boredly

"Vriwhiska! That is a mean thing to say about mr ampurra and equius! They are our furriends!"

"No they are your friends. I have no idea why you still hang out with them though." she said now full on fighting against Terezi's cane

Nepeta's face fell. She hated when her friends fought. They had been through so much! She whould just have to teach Vriska a lesson by beating her silly in their rpg game...and the fact that she was getting whapped on the head by Terezi's cane made her feel so much better.

Aradia leaded her to the sheet she was distracted by before to point out their names "Nepeta, I am pleased t0 inf0rm y0u that we are r00m mates. I believe this might be fun"

"oh yay!" Nepeta purred and glomped her red friend "now we can really become the best rpg plafures ever! Claws now we can play all the time with each other!" the two hugged and waved goodbye to their other friends as they left.

"Terezi! Stop it!" Vriska hissed through her teeth

"YOU STOP 1T H3H3H3H3" she chuckled and finally shoved some of the stick into her mouth before she spit it out and groaned

"guhhhhhhh! Dammitttttttt! I fucking hate you!"

"T3LL M3 SOM3TH1NG N3W"

"Hey! Stop fighting! There is way to much excitement to fight!" Feferi scolded and stepped in between the other two

"Careful Feferi!" Jade said, not wanting to fight or see others fight unless necessary

**READER: BE SOLLUX'S POV IN THIRD PERSON**

Sollux groaned again, resisting that always tempting urge to slam his head against something thick and solid to drown out all this bickering friends. Why had he decided to sign up for more of this when accepting this school's acceptance letter? Why didn't he realize this would happen? Oh yeah, he was fully paid, but that was an excuse. He came to this college in hopes of getting closer to Feferi. And DING DING DING if you guessed 'he would still have no chance in hell' you are correct! You just won a free car! Nope. No cars. Just a joke. Get back to your careless lives.

Yeah so Feferi and Jade were together. Sollux thought he had a chance but he had no idea Feferi had any quadrant feelings for Jade, and that was his down fall. She thought he just wanted to be 'B-EST FRI-ENDS 38D'. He sighed. He was going to make the best of this, get a degree in hacking, and leave these migraine starters to fight amongst themselves. He ignored the constant chattering and arguing as he finally got to the list

"Thtrider...huh"

"You called?"

**READER: BE IN DAVE'S POV, AND ALSO BACK IN TIME**

I walked into the hall and looked at the paper. I didn't really care who I got as my room mate (as long as it wasn't that clown dude. I was pretty sure that mellow bastard would kill me in my sleep.), cool kids like me weren't supposed to. It would be the tits if I got Terezi, man was she a good lay, and maybe I could sway her into dating my fine piece of ass. We could have fun, no scratch that, we would have fun. I could show her all the tasty colors of the mother fucking rainbow. Shit would be nice, but knowing Rose, I knew it wouldn't go down that way. I had pulled to many ironic pranks on her, and she was going to want pay back.

Soon everyone was there all talking and giggling, I just laid back though, waiting for whoever I was with to come up to me. I was enjoying this show too much.

"Hey, Rose?" I called to her as Terezi started fighting with Vriska

"Hm? What is it Dave, can't you see I'm kinda busy trying to calm people down?"

"It seems like everyone's been picked by you for their dorm mates. Who am I supposed to be with?"

"Oh, You know him. I seriously don't get why you guys aren't 'best of bros' yet. You two are so similar that it is almost hilarious. Haha. See? See that laugh? Ironic wouldn't you say?"

I just looked at her. She somehow knew that I hated this. Hated her trying to be ironic. She would do it so bad on purpose making her irony ironic. Irony was my and Bro's thing.

"Well at leat I didnt put you with Gamzee, but I was very tempted to. He promised me I could have anything I ever wanted. Even Maplehoof."

"Shut up about that bib-worthy horse. It is gone. End of story."

"No."

"Whatever. Just tell me who I am paired with then"

"Well they have glasses"

"Well that fucking narrows it down."

She smirked as I thought it over

"John"

"Nope"

"Fuck. Hm...Terezi?"

"Nope. She is with Vriska."

"Shit. Strong guy?"

"No, not Equius"

"Hipster Fish"

"With Equius"

"Why do so many fucking people have glasses?"

"Shoosh, keep guessing"

"Jade? That would be cool."

"Nope, she is with Feferi."

"Dammit. Hot though, but dammit. Well you got me, who is it?"

As I finished guessing I heard a lisped verison of my last name from the edge of my hearing range. I left Rose, who assumed I heard it, and walked up to the culprit.

"You called?"

He was short, yet taller than Karkat (but who wasn't?). Skinny enough to make his bones create sharp angles at his joints. His Bumbee Transformer Jacket was probably a small but on him it was huge and baggy. It suited him. Skinny jeans ripped at the knees, and dirty mustard Converse with purple bees drawn on them. Oh, not to meantion his four horns and glasses with blue and red shades that put 3-D to envy. Oh, that's who it was.

"Captor?"

"Nooo I'm Gandi you thtupid fuck."

"Nice to see you too."

Hehe so yeah

How do you like it?

I plan to write more homestuck stuff and I plan for this to be long...even have stories that interweave with this one :D

...and yeah the ones that are couples above are my favorite pairings, so plan to see stories of those. Espeically **Equius x Eridan. **There is not enough of them for my taste. Bluh. Rambling. Anyways get on with reading lovelys


	2. Chapter 2

Hi! yay chapter two! NOW ONTO THE STORY !

**READER: BE SOLLUX'S POV**

I chewed on the insides of my mouth. I was paired with the ironic jackass! Now I would have to make the best of the too! Okay, maybe I was just upset because of my head ache, he wasn't THAT bad. More like the happy medium of bad.

Here, while I am calming down, I will describe him for you. He was a little taller than normal for his human age and weight, wore faded boot cut jeans that were rips at the bottom near the ball of his foot from being too long. Red vans, red headphones with those two crappy characters he had a comic of were drawn on both sides in black sharpie, a red Letterman jacket (seriously what was with all this red, is he TRYING to get Terezi in heat?) that had random patches of non-school related material stitched on, a black shirt (finally! Something not red!) with something stupid on it, a chain going from his front to back pocket with a key chain of a broken sword attached loosely on it, and his black shades.

I presume all the 'ladies' and 'babes' are drooling now. Well that is at least what human culture has taught me. Seriously you guys are still so weird.

Okay I have calmed down now. "Well whatever Thtrider. We are dorm mateth now I gueth."

"So I've read."

I scowled "you think your tho funny thometimeth, don't you Thtrider?"

I heard a soft growl from behind Dave. Gamzee had seen him and Tavros was trying to hold him back. Knowing Tavros's strength, Gamzee wouldn't be in one spot for long, so I began pushing Dave's ironic red ass to our dorm

"Fuck! Run you idiot!"

"Wait What?"

"YOUR GONNA GET MURDERED IF YOU DONT RUN!" I yelled pushing him and he finally got his shit together and started running with me. We didn't stop running until we couldn't hear the honks anymore...okay we couldn't hear honks, but there could have been honks.

"what...room?" Dave panted as we stopped and leaned against a wall

"what...the...hell...are you...talking...about?" I panted back

"The...dorm"

I was still too tired to understand. What did he mean by the dorm? Dorm is actually a funny word if you think about it. Dorm. Dormmm. Door-em.

As long as we are going to think of things, lets think about the last time I ate. Breakfast around seven am, three days ago. I think it was Mountain Dew and a bag of Cheetos but right now everything was fuzzy and it was hard to think about anything for more than a few moments.

I was hungry, but then again I always was, not eating regularly got me used to this type of hunger and it didn't bother me anymore. I just knew it was there, except when doing physical shit. That was a bad idea. Did I just run? It was hard to remember.

**READER: BE IN DAVE'S POV**

I looked at him. He was all flushed and shit and panting hard.

"Fuck. Dude you okay?"

He stared at the wall, his red and blue colored shades were fogged and he didn't seem to be catching his breath.

"Fuck, Captor!" I yelled waving my hand in front of his face. He still didn't 'see' me, "Fuck my life with a wooden spoon"

I took him and shook him, "Dammit Captor, what is the dorm number? I thought I was gonna get murdered? Hello? Building is on fire. Cat stuck in a tree. Ponies. Your computer got broken."

He still was out of it. Fuck. What did he like besides computers? Hacking? I think so. Did he like his glasses? I could steal them and flash step away. Wait did he like anyone? Didn't he and hipster fish fight over someone at some point? Was it Vriska? HAHAHAHA I crack myself up sometimes. No one but egderp could fall for that spider bitch. I'm pretty sure it was the purpley pinky one. Fennie? FeFe? Feferi? Yeah, that was it.

"Dude, Feferi is totally naked and wants to pail your skinny ass"

"Where?"

I smirked as he lightened up and seemed to focus "in our dorm, now what number was it?"

"THIX THEVEN THIX!"

I looked around scanning the numbers on the walls. We were in the 300's and they seemed to fade into the 400's. We () would have a long way to go, but as soon as I tried to nudge him to stand on his feet and walk, he pushed me out of the way and ran down the hall. Shit.

**READER: BE IN SOLLUX'S MESSED UP POV**

Feferi.

Naked.

Wanting to fill a pail with me.

Gog must love me.

I mean why wouldn't he? Does he exist? The voices in my head always seem to beg to Gog, but it doesn't stop them from growing permanently silent. Am I Gog? Shit that would be cool. I think I'll start by changing things into alcohol.

I stopped running (I was running?), and picked up a water bottle someone must have dropped and stared at it hard, thinking the command of turning it into a beer. Nothing was happening so I stared harder and yelled for it to turn to beer in my thoughts.

"Come on you fucking piece of thit! Turn into beer!"

"Dude, the last thing you need right now is beer."

"Gog, thut up! I know you thon Jeguth can make wine no problem, but I need practice!"

"Sweet, now I'm a god. Do I get to wear that bitching ironic red outfit again?"

"What the thit are you talking about Gog."

"I know, it seems like I am a god, many fine ladies have told me so in the sack, but I'm nothing more than a kick ass Strider."

It was that fucking cool kid! I was going to teach his sorry ass for fucking with me! I turned around instantly and threw that worthless, nonalcoholic water bottle at his head and hit him square between the eyes.

"YETH"

He just stood there as I did a victory dance. It wasn't until he picked me up by throwing me over his shoulder that I saw him move. Then he started walking

"HEY! LET ME DOWN ATH!"

"Dude. Fuck no. I'm pretty sure your brain broke back there. Who the shit is going to fix you if I don't? I mean I'm going to spend shit loads of time with you in that tiny dorm, and I'm pretty sure a broken brain Captor is going to get on my nerves. This is for your own good."

"Fuck you!"

"Wow you sound like mister pissy pants, should I call up egderp and tell him we need to switch trolls?"

Ugh. My headache was coming back now because of his annoying banter. Things became painfully sharp again. I must have gotten dehydrated and went a little loopy, or whatever you humans call it. I could only really remember one thing Strider said to me, and sighing, I asked him, "No...just...is Feferi really naked in our dorm?"

"Nope."

I stayed silent and just let him carry me, I was in no shape to be walking anymore. I needed to go back to hacking in a dark room. This stupid college/Feferi thing was messing with me and I knew I needed to be alone again. Away from her, away from my thoughts, and **ESPECIALLY **this ironic red bastard. I didn't need anyone, and as soon as Strider put me down, I wouldn't need him either.

**READER: BE IN DAVE'S POV**

I was almost sad for this skinny, pissy, stick of a troll. He seemed to calm down but in the worse kind of way. He seemed like he didn't care anymore, and I was seriously considering if he was bi-polar. I mean who else goes from crazy as Brittney Spears: shaved hair era, to hipster fish depressed? I could be wrong though. He seemed really skinny and light in my arms, like he hadn't eaten in a while.

"When is the last time you ate Captor? I feel like I'm carrying bones in a skin sack over here."

"Thut up"

"Answer the question"

"Whatth it to you?"

"I want to estimate our future grocery costs. What the hell do you think?"

He grumbled about hating every second of this before answering, "Three days?" he said, asking himself more than telling me.

"Crap, Captor. What the hell did you eat for dinner that made you swear off food?"

"Not dinner bathtard, breakfatht"

Man that is fucked up. Three days? And not even since dinner? The troll even seemed to shrug it off as no biggie. Well too bad, to a strider, eating (even though it may just be left over pizza) was a fucking biggie.

Bro made sure I knew that before going out on my own, leaving the nest made out of puppets, smuppets, and pizza box shavings to spread my ironic wings and fly high. Just like those black winged assholes on the apartment's roof.

"Guess what we are doing when we get into the dorm?"

"You arent theriouthly hitting on me are you?"

"You wish, what we are really doing is feeding your skinny ass until you explode"

"Not on your life Thtrider!"

"Oh really?"

"Yeth!" he protested as he kicked my chest over and over in an attempt to free himself from my kung fu grip.

I smirked and flash stepped into our small dorm room that really wasn't so small, but I'll describe it later. Right now I was busy flopping him onto one of the beds. "Lay the fuck down and wait. I'll be back with wicked bitch tits food. Also, watch out for those stairs okay? Don't want you tripping up and shit."

He flipped me off as I walked out of the room, but I didn't care, I had to concentrate on finding food for captor's ass. What is good food for a stomach that has probably eaten half of itself already? Soup? Soda? Hot dogs? Pie? Oh I know...

**READER: BE IN SOLLUX'S POV**

I stared at the ceiling. I'm pretty sure everything was white and some what clean. Should I describe it? Nah. Not like anyone is reading my thoughts to know what it looks like. They can just walk in here and look.

Damn, stupid Strider. He thought he could embarrass me and tell me to do things. I'll show him. I'll get up and walk all over every fucking set of stairs in the building.

All I need to do is get up... get up... get up.

Okay, so getting up wasn't working for me right now, but don't worry **I WILL WRECK THE SHIT OF STRIDER IN SOME OTHER WAY!**

What to do? What to do? Right now I was only really rolling around on the sheets, getting them wrinkly. Oh...oh. What I was doing was truly evil! Wrinkling that fuck out of the sheets would force strider to do laundry!

I continued to roll around in my evilness for quite sometime. He would have hell with this sheets! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

You know what? I could be as evil as spider bitch. I just needed six more eyes, and a undying lust for Nick Cage.

Ooh, and I could get a pet spider.

I decided this was enough thinking. The sheets were so wrinkly, Equius probably wouldn't even use them as a makeshift towel. All was good and I my eyelids must have put on weight because they were getting heavy.

I groaned. I wanted to see the look on Strider's face when he saw the fucked up blanket, but my eyelids wouldn't let me.

I closed my eyes slowly, ready for dreams of Feferi.

–

So yeah...sollux trips out when he doesn't eat for a long time. ^^;


End file.
